First Lady Melania Trump announced today a new and totally awesome way of curbing America’s addiction problem, by using the one thing she built her career on. Her body!
Starting in late December, any Americans under the age of 20 will be able to visit their doctor and take a test to prove they have not been abusing any harmful substances. Having passed the test, their doctor may then sign an official “I’m a Drug Free American” form, which will be available for download in the coming weeks from the White House website.
Young Americans will be able to send these forms into the White House in exchange for a free and exclusive 2018 swimsuit calendar starring Melania Trump herself.
“I just felt like I couldn’t stand by and do nothing given the position that I’m in,” Melania told the media earlier today. “Besides helping the drug kids, what I really want to do is show women that they can do things too, that they can be first lady someday, and that they can change the world, maybe even with a bikini calendar of their own!
If there’s a girl out there starting high school saying, ‘Hmm, maybe I should puff on this opioid’, I want her to say ‘No! Instead, I can be first lady!’ And if there’s a boy out there saying, ‘Wow that opioid looks delicious!’ I want him to say ‘No! I can get a Melania calendar and she wants me to be drug free!’
President Trump will be personally involved in crisis relief efforts as well, largely via what he’s calling ‘Motivational Tweets Month‘. Throughout November, Trump will write unique and motivational tweets every day that help young Americans say no to drugs.
Hopefully they allow for some other ways to get that calendar. If only I were still a teenager…